Seeking inner peace

Greetings blog followers,

I have completed my first two-week round of chemo and look forward to this coming week not having to swallow those pills. Upon further reflection I must update you to say that my dislike for taking those pills is not physical as I had intimated, but psychological. No need to send me your old ball guns to inject the pills in my gut. They went down easily with water. But it is the thought of taking pills that give you headaches, diarrhea, dizziness and possibly other undesirable stuff that is hard to "swallow".

Overall, I would say so far I am handling this chemo quite well. I have issues, but no red hand-foot syndrome, serious nausea, vomiting, etc. I just take it day by day and try to stay positive as best I can.

At our church, Pilgrims Mennonite in Akron, church small groups are asked to lead worship during the summer months. Last Sunday our small group put together the worship service. The suggested theme for the summer is peace. We decided to make "seeking inner peace" our sub theme. Barb did a super job of putting together the worship service in which each of us (we number seven) did a short "This I believe" (idea stolen from a public radio program) sharing personal reflections about inner peace. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but a light went on this week: Why not put my short personal reflection in the blog? It is after all about dealing with the real. So here it is:

This I believe …

by Rick Schrag for Pilgrims Mennonite Church worship 6/18/12

When you learn that you have a mass on your pancreas, like I did last November, it stirs up and threatens any inner peace you may have had at the time… at least for a while. Fear, stress and anger take over. Gradually I started coping with my situation. I almost felt forced to slowly adapt to my new prognosis. Now, seven months later, I feel like I have a good portion of inner peace, although it has taken a different form that is difficult to explain. Whatever inner peace I had before was strong enough to survive that jolting news. But it didn’t survive and transform because of just me, but because of external sources. Because of you and many others out there who have given me countless prayers and tremendous encouragement.

When I started trying to put some thoughts together I wondered … what is inner peace? I had MY idea of what it means for me. Is it different things for different people? I think so.

The 14^th Dalai Lama emphasized the importance of inner peace: He said: “The question of real, lasting world peace concerns human beings, so basic human feelings are also at its roots. Through inner peace, genuine world peace can be achieved. In this the importance of individual responsibility is quite clear; an atmosphere of peace must first be created within ourselves, then gradually expanded to include our families, our communities, and ultimately the whole planet.”

But he was a Buddhist. This and Hinduism are where transcendentalism and meditation come in. What is a Christian concept of inner peace?

For the Amish it’s called gellasenheit — that’s a German word meaning yieldedness, letting be, tranquility, serenity. This concept comes from the Bible in Luke 22:42, when Jesus said, "not my will but thine be done," thereby making individuality, selfishness, and pride, abhorrent.

I think for me inner peace falls somewhere between these two concepts. While I probably mostly identify with gellasenheit and its tenet of submitting to God and developing a modest, reserved, calm and quiet personality, I can also understand meditation. Lately I’ve found a profound inner peace comes over me when watching a baseball game. For me it’s meditation. It’s good we don’t live in India where cricket is the national sport. Barb would lose me for entire days instead of just a couple of hours if I were a cricket fan!

Don’t be misled; I still have a full share of anxiety and “inner turmoil”. When thoughts turn to your mortality and predicted numbered days, it causes some sleeplessness and restlessness. I’m finding that when I should be thinking about the positives in my life, I keep stumbling back reflecting on the unfulfilled dreams, the regrets, you know, those “shoulda”, “coulda”, “woulda” issues. Then there is the question “What is my legacy?” Can I quickly do something that will get a bridge or building named after me?!  I feel guilty that I don’t have the compulsion to go out and get things done, do something extra special. You know - some grandiose idea that will leave a mark in the world. I can relate to the feeling expressed by Palmer Graber of Freeman, SD, who, while living with brain cancer circa 1980, said: “Sometimes I think I am too much at peace with myself.”

There are lots of questions, but no easy answers. I just try to keep on living, taking things as they come. It is a step-by-step process. There are things worse than cancer and I’ve learned that facing death doesn’t need to be a time of total despair. There are times for rejoicing and blessing. I am glad to be able to keep working. It gives me inner peace.  I was happy with my “bucket list” before cancer. It hasn’t changed since learning that my train will likely stop at the station earlier than I previously thought. I haven’t added anything new or big.

One of those bucket list items has been to see a baseball game in Fenway Park in Boston. Opened in 1912, it’s the oldest major league ballpark still in use and one of only a few that isn’t named after a bank, cell phone co. or other business. I plan to realize that dream in a few weeks on July 7 when the Yankees visit the Red Sox. I have tickets behind home plate and plan to be in deep meditation during that game.