Seeking inner peace

Greetings blog followers,

I have completed my first two-week round of chemo and look forward to this coming week not having to swallow those pills. Upon further reflection I must update you to say that my dislike for taking those pills is not physical as I had intimated, but psychological. No need to send me your old ball guns to inject the pills in my gut. They went down easily with water. But it is the thought of taking pills that give you headaches, diarrhea, dizziness and possibly other undesirable stuff that is hard to "swallow".

Overall, I would say so far I am handling this chemo quite well. I have issues, but no red hand-foot syndrome, serious nausea, vomiting, etc. I just take it day by day and try to stay positive as best I can.

At our church, Pilgrims Mennonite in Akron, church small groups are asked to lead worship during the summer months. Last Sunday our small group put together the worship service. The suggested theme for the summer is peace. We decided to make "seeking inner peace" our sub theme. Barb did a super job of putting together the worship service in which each of us (we number seven) did a short "This I believe" (idea stolen from a public radio program) sharing personal reflections about inner peace. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but a light went on this week: Why not put my short personal reflection in the blog? It is after all about dealing with the real. So here it is:

This I believe …

by Rick Schrag for Pilgrims Mennonite Church worship 6/18/12

When you learn that you have a mass on your pancreas, like I did last November, it stirs up and threatens any inner peace you may have had at the time… at least for a while. Fear, stress and anger take over. Gradually I started coping with my situation. I almost felt forced to slowly adapt to my new prognosis. Now, seven months later, I feel like I have a good portion of inner peace, although it has taken a different form that is difficult to explain. Whatever inner peace I had before was strong enough to survive that jolting news. But it didn’t survive and transform because of just me, but because of external sources. Because of you and many others out there who have given me countless prayers and tremendous encouragement.

When I started trying to put some thoughts together I wondered … what is inner peace? I had MY idea of what it means for me. Is it different things for different people? I think so.

The 14^th Dalai Lama emphasized the importance of inner peace: He said: “The question of real, lasting world peace concerns human beings, so basic human feelings are also at its roots. Through inner peace, genuine world peace can be achieved. In this the importance of individual responsibility is quite clear; an atmosphere of peace must first be created within ourselves, then gradually expanded to include our families, our communities, and ultimately the whole planet.”

But he was a Buddhist. This and Hinduism are where transcendentalism and meditation come in. What is a Christian concept of inner peace?

For the Amish it’s called gellasenheit — that’s a German word meaning yieldedness, letting be, tranquility, serenity. This concept comes from the Bible in Luke 22:42, when Jesus said, "not my will but thine be done," thereby making individuality, selfishness, and pride, abhorrent.

I think for me inner peace falls somewhere between these two concepts. While I probably mostly identify with gellasenheit and its tenet of submitting to God and developing a modest, reserved, calm and quiet personality, I can also understand meditation. Lately I’ve found a profound inner peace comes over me when watching a baseball game. For me it’s meditation. It’s good we don’t live in India where cricket is the national sport. Barb would lose me for entire days instead of just a couple of hours if I were a cricket fan!

Don’t be misled; I still have a full share of anxiety and “inner turmoil”. When thoughts turn to your mortality and predicted numbered days, it causes some sleeplessness and restlessness. I’m finding that when I should be thinking about the positives in my life, I keep stumbling back reflecting on the unfulfilled dreams, the regrets, you know, those “shoulda”, “coulda”, “woulda” issues. Then there is the question “What is my legacy?” Can I quickly do something that will get a bridge or building named after me?!  I feel guilty that I don’t have the compulsion to go out and get things done, do something extra special. You know - some grandiose idea that will leave a mark in the world. I can relate to the feeling expressed by Palmer Graber of Freeman, SD, who, while living with brain cancer circa 1980, said: “Sometimes I think I am too much at peace with myself.”

There are lots of questions, but no easy answers. I just try to keep on living, taking things as they come. It is a step-by-step process. There are things worse than cancer and I’ve learned that facing death doesn’t need to be a time of total despair. There are times for rejoicing and blessing. I am glad to be able to keep working. It gives me inner peace.  I was happy with my “bucket list” before cancer. It hasn’t changed since learning that my train will likely stop at the station earlier than I previously thought. I haven’t added anything new or big.

One of those bucket list items has been to see a baseball game in Fenway Park in Boston. Opened in 1912, it’s the oldest major league ballpark still in use and one of only a few that isn’t named after a bank, cell phone co. or other business. I plan to realize that dream in a few weeks on July 7 when the Yankees visit the Red Sox. I have tickets behind home plate and plan to be in deep meditation during that game.

This could be a cure for pancreatic cancer ....

When learning you have pancreatic cancer you soon discover there are a wide variety of ideas for effective treatment out there and loving suggestions offered. Some are traditional (insurance pays) and there have been numerous non-traditional (self pay) treatments mentioned. These include everything from thermotherapy (exposure to far infrared rays) to coffee enemas (I haven't been successful in finding a partner or assistant for this??).


Until now, I have taken the "conventional" treatment path, but am very excited to announce that I am thinking about starting a new non-traditional treatment — sticky buns. That's right. Sticky buns. But not just any sticky buns. Oh no, they must be Mr. Sticky homemade sticky buns. The dosage is one Mr. Sticky's sticky bun a day. Who knows? It could cure my cancer. And if it doesn't ... so what? ... what do I have to lose? 


No matter what image you may conjure up of Mr. Sticky, I must profess his homemade sticky buns are to "die for" (sorry for the indelicate double-entendre). As the ad says, they are "extremely addictive". I know what I'll do ..... I'll start my own cancer clinical trial with sticky buns as the potential elixir. What a grand idea! A new, never-done-before clinical trial to treat cancer.

This Mr. Sticky's ad has been running in the Lancaster Intelligencer Journal/New Era in recent weeks. Notice that they are cheaper by the dozen. I highly recommend them whether you have cancer or not.

They ship FedEx.

The other more conventional cancer treatment I started last Friday is a new chemo regimen. For seven days now I have been swallowing five pills in the morning and five in the evening (pictured with a quarter below). The drug is Xeloda and after one week I am starting to feel some side effects - most notable are a mild headache and dizziness. After two weeks I can expect other side effects. It's a long depressing list. I accept your well wishes and prayers for minimal side effects AND effective tumor reduction or at least growth stoppage.

The five Xeloda pills I have to take twice a day. At first I thought I would like Barb to give them to me with a balling gun like we used on young calves on the farm, but I haven't had too much trouble gulping them down with water. I'm sure I have thoroughly bored you readers with this insight into chemo pills, but it's what I'm doing and inquiring minds want to know. Thanks for reading and sharing your love.

A+A=Awesome^10,000 ... Target Field ... Fish Fry ... Fresh Strawberries...

To my faithful readers,


Thank you for your patience. Your not-so-faithful blogger has been busy enjoying life. The blog title says it all: Life is bliss. I don't think it can get any better than this.


The "A+A" refers to Adam and Annie, whose wedding we experienced in Minneapolis last Saturday. Words can not express how happy we are for this young couple. We could hardly wait for them to get married! We are elated to "officially" have a wonderful daughter who is first-class. I was trying to do a math formula with the A+A theme but can't figure out how to type superscript in the heading. So instead I have used a "^" to indicate "to the power of".


It was a beautiful wedding. Everything went smoothly. While the bride and groom and their parents took turns getting choked up and crying with joy, it didn't interfere with the ceremony. The official wedding pics aren't ready for a few weeks and I took only a few. I have never experienced a wedding photographer like Ben Garvin and his friendly high-speed digital style. I didn't have my little point and shoot camera out of its pouch before he had five of the formal poses shot!!! I was really caught off guard.

 Rehearsal. Annie and Adam. Kevin Steinman on guitar. Celebrant Aaron Christopher.

Adam and Annie with their brothers. The two men in vests - Charles Schrag and John LaGow - served as Best Man and Man of Honor. There were no other attendants.

The beautiful and proud mother of the groom - Barb.

Family pic using instant film camera. (I scanned the picture.) All guests had their picture taken with the instant camera as way to "register" along with a short note to the new couple.

Target Field. Definitely one of the nicest major league ballparks in the country. Walking into it is the greatest entry into a ballpark ever. The street sidewalk just takes you right into the ball park. I think I missed the whole first inning because I was gawking at the beautiful stadium and skyline. And what a stark difference from the horrible, blah Metrodome. This is one HUGE step up. It was a beautiful cool, sunny afternoon Twins vs. Oakland day. The Twins struggling pitcher, Francisco Liriano, pitched a shutout gem and the Twins had a rare win. A day game at Target Field should be on everyone's bucket list.

Joe Mauer at bat. The iPhone makes the players look farther away (smaller) than reality.

Dang good seats I'd say.

Charles, Adam and I enjoying the game w/o suntan lotion. Hence the shirts and turned up collars.

Fish Fry. Barb's family brought fresh-caught walleye and even a bullhead (which I was honored to eat) to the city for a post-wedding fish fry on Sunday. Jeff fixed a delicious breading and using the grill at the hotel pool he deep-fried the fish and heaped the golden fillets on a paper towel laden plate. We had leftover wild rice, spaetzle/herbs and asparagus/greens salads, roasted veggies, and cakes from the wedding to go with the succulent fish. While the wedding dinner was truly amazing, the fish fry was a memorable follow-up meal. Sorry, no pictures.


Fresh Strawberries. The season is peaking now. How sweet it is!


Cancerwise, I have been feeling just great. Today I had an appointment and was found to be fit to start taking another round of chemo. This time it's pills - Xelodal® - instead of IV infusion. I really dread this. Plans are for three 3-week treatment cycles (two weeks on, one week off). I won't have an MRI taken until the third round is completed in August, my doc said. My prayer is that side effects are minimal and I can stay well enough to keep going to work and enjoying life as I have been able to this past month.


It was difficult and sad to say goodbye to everyone in Minneapolis, not knowing when we will see each other again. Also, goodbye to Minneapolis. You have been our hub or base camp, you might say, for the past few years during family and lake visits. It's been a great place to fly in, borrow Adam's Mazda and motor to and from northern Minnesota and SE South Dakota and then fly out. Adam and Annie will be moving to Fresno, California in July. Adam will be teaching at Fresno Pacific University and Annie plans to land a job as well. Goodbye, Minneapolis. Goodbye, everyone at the wedding. It was great to be together.