Not so happy return

Barb and I had a wonderful 10 days away to Idaho and then a road trip to South Dakota June 6-15 with our family. We spent a few days in downtown Boise, took a bike ride along the greenway, enjoyed the betrothal of our nephew, Eian Schrag to Heather Smith and met her family. Also had two great meals at my cousin Flora and husband Bill's beautiful home on Warm Springs Avenue. We also saw/visited Barb's brother, Mike Baird, and family.

From Boise we took a 3-day road trip to South Dakota to visit my mom and other family and friends. Our first night was in Green River, Wyoming. The town that first enacted (1931) an ordinance regulating door-to-door peddlers, known as the Green River Ordinance.

Near Green River, Wyoming, the Schrags take a break from looking for wild horses to pose for a breezy, big sky, timed photo off the hood of the car. l-r, we are: Annie Schmidt, husband Adam Schrag, dog, Patton, from Fresno, CA, myself and Barb and younger son, Charles from Seattle.

Our next stop was beautiful Spearfish Canyon near Spearfish, SD where we stayed at some cabins right up the canyon. We hiked to Roughlock Falls and were amazed at all the walkways and viewing platforms built after Homestake Mine donated the land to the state. When I was last there umpteen years ago you could walk across parts of the stream or go down creekside.

Spearfish Canyon in the Black Hills of South Dakota.
Taken from near our cabin in the woods.

On to Freeman busy visiting numerous Freemanites. My brother, John, and wife Sara, from Santa Fe, NM, also came to Freeman. We had a blast w/excellent food and fellowship. I packed some chislic, Dimock fresh colby cheese and "Freeman bologna" to bring back to PA. Oh, yes, and some Twin Bing candy bars. Midwesterners know about them. We can't find Dorothy Lynch dressing here in PA, but I didn't pack any this trip.

Bridal Veil Falls in Spearfish Canyon

Altogether the trip has been the highlight of the summer.

Cancer update: The Monday after getting back I had bloodwork and an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Yee. It turns out my blood tumor marker, CA19-9, crept up some more to 339.5. This was enough to trigger Dr. Yee into recommending (strongly, I might add) that I start a new chemo regimen: Abraxane via infusion. He is recommending 8 weeks with one infusion per week for three weeks and then one week off. Harumpf!!!  This was NOT encouraging news. I did cause me some anxiety. Neither Barb or I slept very well the night following this new development.

On the positive side, Abraxane is proving to be effective in treating cancer. It is fairly new on the scene and was originally used to treat breast cancer but has been found useful in treating other cancers including pancreatic and recently FDA approved it for lung cancer.

This Wednesday I go to Hershey medical center to have a porta-cath or medi-port thing placed under my clavicle to allow for blood tests and infusion without sticking me every time. My doc said the chemo was too hard on veins and tissue to infuse through a venipuncture in my arm. That was scary to hear.

Roughlock Falls in the Black Hills

Of course, my main concern is which side effects will I experience and how severe will they be. Neuropathy of the hands and feed seem to be a common theme. Bummer. But, who knows, I may not experience that, but will be vomiting instead. It's hard to know. My first infusion is Tuesday, July 2. Then two more Tuesdays up at Hershey Cancer Institute. Barb plans to drive me each time, but we will call for help if something comes up where she can't drive.

I was so happy to visit my mother, Verda, age 91, while in Freeman, SD.

One of the most annoying aspects of chemo infusion at Hershey when I had it earlier was the length of time it takes for the infusions to be completed. Every time I arrived on time, but never was seated within 5 minutes, but rather 30-45 minutes after the appt. time. And then I waited in the "recliner" (uncomfortable) to get stuck and then waited some more to get the chemo from the pharmacy and after the chemo runs out it seems to take so long to for a nurse to unhook. Also, the visiter/driver chairs provided are also very uncomfortable as is most all the furniture in the building. Hershey definitely needs to ramp up their service in the chemo infusion department/waiting rooms/exam rooms. We'll see. Maybe they have.

This graph shows the escalating CA 19-9 cancer tumor marker number. It kinda sucks.

Thank you for adding an extra short sentence for me in your next prayer as I plow into something new.

Another hurray!!!

Yesterday's visit with my oncologist, Dr. Yee, included great, fabulous, welcome, joyous, fantastic, hurray news: the CT scan says the tumor on my pancreas has not changed since 3 months ago AND the blood tumor marker (CA19-9) continued its zig-zag graph (see first image below) and went down slightly over the past three weeks.

So today I started my SEVENTH 3-week round of oral chemo Xeloda. I love that I can keep on keeping on! I'm hanging in there and very happy for it.

My blood tumor marker progress chart.
The lower the number, the better. 229 is considered  a "high" number,
 but the good news is that it is not going up.

It seems crazy but I have to share my CT scan final report with you... HIPPA-be-damned. I'm sharing information with the world about my guts!!!

I want you blog readers to help me understand these two pages. I was pleased to learn that I have "shotty aortopulmonary window paratracheal and subcarinal lymph nodes". After some "wiki time", I learned this actually is good news. It was sobering to read this and understand so little. Just give it a once over and try to absorb what's going on in my chest/abdomen. The best (and understandable) part is that the tumor is "essentially stable".

It is titled "chest CT" but did include my abdomen. 

"No new metastatic focus identified" was also happy news!

Here are my more recent favorite "escapes" from cancer/death thoughts:

Grilling baby back ribs on the Big Green Egg for church small group
AND Barb's MCC Donor Relations department party held this evening.

Listening to British folk-rocker Richard Thompson's latest CD "Electric".  Thompson writes some more sad, hard luck, lost love ballads which are not always uplifting, but very well written and the guitar playing is unsurpassed.
Yes, I am an old man and still buy CDs instead of listening to shitty mp3s. Life is too short to be listening to low-fi!!

My latest jazz fav is Oscar Peterson and this 2-disc CD is fantastic. It is a Telarc live recording.
A marvelous recital by a true master. Gorgeous music and gorgeous recording. (1996)
Oscar was 71 years old at the time. He had suffered a stroke in 1991 which affected his left side. I can tell from the recording he had to adjust his technique and the right hand is more prominent. Also, a remarkable collaboration with the other players with whom he had years of experience. Peterson died of kidney failure in 2008.

Thanks everyone for following my journey. I feel strong, have virtually no pain and am loving life. Keep on keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you very much!

Getting over the cold

 "Getting over the cold" has a double meaning.

First, warmer temps are here. And also a little moisture. Almost an inch of rain fell last night and it's drizzling today. The weeds are rampant in the garden. And the grass is lush. The rain knocked the last of many blossoms and those seed thingys off the trees.

Second meaning: With the aid of some adult-onset hay fever I came down with a spring cold earlier this week.  This was the first cold I've had since I learned I had a mass on my pancreas Thanksgiving week 2011! That is amazing to me. My normal cold contract was about two colds/year. Even w/chemo and some low blood counts I was able to dodge the cold and flu viruses. I have thanked God frequently that I haven't had a cold or flu for such a long time. This one wasn't too serious and I am responsibly nursing it. Still dealing with some drainage and occasional cough, I should be symptom-free in a couple of days. 

I attribute my flu/cold resistance to less stress and more rest. My kind wife, Barb, doesn't give my one ounce of grief when I spontaneously and unabashedly recline like Dagwood in my recliner or the sofa for a snooze. She said if taking naps helps keep me feeling like I do (which is very good, thank you), I should nap as much as I want. And sometimes they're long naps. It's like heaven! I wish we all could take naps when needed and didn't have to have cancer for a nap ticket. Plus I still sleep well at night. 

This week I did wake up with the obligatory crushed snotty Kleenex around me in bed. Ugh! I didn't miss any work but my understanding employer let me come in about four hours late on Thursday and they gave me the flexibility to work later and still cut only an hour or so off my schedule. I work approximately 36-37 hours a week in billing at Smilebuilderz in Lancaster. 

It's a plague around here: Sacred Bunnies

I look forward to next week because it is my chemo "off" week. This morning Barb and I went to the Landis Valley Herb & Garden Faire. I was overwhelmed by the exotic flowers and varieties of bedding plants. As I recall a few years back when we bought basil, there maybe two kinds. Now? Crazy with types of basil. Barb picked up a few more plants. Luckily, there was no kale to be found. Her garden is flourishing. Rhubarb, radishes and lettuce are ready. Sadly, no asparagus here. I hope you South Dakotans enjoy an abundant crop.


I leave you with some photos and Happy Day to all Mothers!

This is our back yard. A maple and dogwood are sharing space — and admirably so I'd say.
Barb is collecting grass clippings to throw over wet newspapers between garden rows.
She is a very ambitious, creative, and experimental gardener. It entertains me and I enjoy the end results.

These orange beauties are part of hanging plant we purchased today and set outside our front door.

Gerbera daisies outside our "back" door.

Our neighbor's pink azaleas. There are some awesome red bushes around town (Akron, PA).

The bees are having a heyday.

A short snort ...

Oink, oink, oink!

That's just a sampling of the profound team cheers and encouragement shouts flashing on the jumbo screen on the big scoreboard at last night's IronPigs vs. Indians game. "Let's go pigs!" was another. (I was slightly disappointed at the absence of "suey, suey" though.)

I am certain many of your are eager to hear more about the lowbrow news I shared on my last post. Here goes:

After being sucked in by the "news" of gaming urinals in the mens restrooms at Coca-Cola Park in Allentown, PA, yesterday H.A. Penner and I took a trip to see an IronPigs baseball game and see if we were maybe duped by the circa April 1 (April fools day) story of video games played using a stream of pee to "test ones knowledge and skill".

I will not dwell on the urinal game, except to say we confirmed they do exist and function. As I am uncomfortable using a camera in a restroom, the only picture I offer is this from the website:

Of the seven or eight urinals along the wall only one had the video game. Not sure why. Maybe in a "testing" introductory time. Briefly, the urinal has three targets: 'start', 'yes' and 'no'. After "hitting" the 'start' target true and false questions appear on the screen.

It was interesting to observe first time users, like me, so conditioned to use fingers on a touch screen trying to start the game with touching the screen for a while until figuring out touching the screen does not work. Hence, they advertise "hands free". Hands should be elsewhere.

I missed this question "Is it true the Titanic was built in Dublin?" I guessed 'yes' and scored a 0. It was built in Belfast.

This response from a blog reader and friend to my last post sums it up best: "What! 
are 11-year old boys running the marketing departments these days???" Methinks they are. I ask your understanding and forgiveness in allowing me to be an 11-year-old and succumbing to this marketing ploy. I admit I would not have gone to the game, if not for my curiosity.

In fact, it was a beautiful sunny day and an excellent well-played game with the IronPigs victorious over the Indianapolis Indians 3-2 in 13 innings. Both are Triple-A minor league farm teams which means they are the team a major league team uses to "bring up" and "send down" players depending on their performance. The IronPigs are the Philadelphia Phillies farm team and the Indians are the Pittsburgh Pirates farm team. The Lehigh Valley IronPigs have greater credibility as a "farm" team, don't you think? (pigs, farm. Get it?)

Notice the ticket price was $10. Very reasonable for these seats:

Also, I bought a Corona for $3. I was blown away by beer that cheap at a baseball game. The food I had was typical and nothing outstanding but also quite reasonable.

Allentown is one of a three-city metropolitan area which includes Bethlehem and Easton, Penn — 90 miles from New York City. Allentown is PA's third largest city behind Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.

The team name stems from the industrial era when the steel industry was huge there. Pig iron is a term for iron which is in an intermediate state in the smelting process. But what is interesting/ironic is that all the whoopla at the game was about pigs, hogs, swine and not iron which is what the region was noted for. One of the players is dubbed "the Sultan of Swine". I suspect most of those attending don't know much about pigs and have probably never held one.

The caliber of the players is very high. Almost half the IronPigs have played for the Phillies. Pitching was outstanding. It is a great venue and we had alot of fun.

On the drive home H.A. and I enjoyed reminiscing about what it was like on the farm during haying time: hay mows, slings, dump rakes, hay racks, elevating bales into a barn, balers, knotters and what it was like to work alongside our fathers and siblings inside haylofts, on the tractors, etc.

H.A. Penner and I enjoying the game

This gave impetus to add a new local museum to my bucket list: The New Holland Area Historical Society Museum. The New Holland Machine Company was started by a Mennonite man in 1895 and became known around the world for its hay equipment.

Nothing new to report on the cancer. I am in the middle of an oral chemo round and my side effects issues are the same — no worse, and no better. I have been enjoying the lovely spring days and flora and fauna that Barb and my home states' have yet to experience, at least with any frequency. Barb's brother was ice-fishing on Cass Lake yesterday and says the ice is still 20 inches thick!!! Summer solstice is only a little over a month away. That's all for now. I hope each of you feels as blessed as I feel blessed.

still doing well

Once again, I am very pleased - actually exuberant - to report that I am feeling quite well and living with virtually no pain or discomfort. While I don't have any high energy, exciting stories to tell right now, day-to-day life has been suiting me just fine. Happy to be here. Spring has sprung. The dogwoods, magnolias, forsythia, cherry and numerous other plentiful floral trees here in Pennsylvania are showing off. Tulips and daffodils too. Birds are in song. The full moon at 6:00 am this morning was huge and wonderous.

My blood panel this week did show a slightly higher CA19-9 blood tumor marker of 248. But my cancer doctor wasn't too alarmed. Last month it was 192. He pointed out that the number has been going up and down but not successively up. (see the chart in my last post). So he asked me to stay on my current oral chemo regimen of two weeks swallowing pills and one week of "rest". My current rest week ends today and tomorrow I'll start another 14 days. This will be my sixth round on the oral "chemo coaster".

I will have another CT scan May 20 to see if the mass has changed in any way. And the obligatory blood test as well. The doctor told me that if things start changing he wants me to go back on a new, stronger chemo cocktail of Gemzar and Abraxane. I think of the Xeloda pills I'm taking now as "Chemo Lite". The Gemzar, you may recall, really went after my bone marrow and destroyed/lowered the important platelet and white cell blood counts. Dr. Yee told me about a Partial Splenic Embolization procedure he would like to do to keep those counts up during "Chemo Heavy". I won't go into any detail about that procedure because we're not doing that and hopefully never will. Google it if you like.

IN OTHER NEWS: Highbrow and Lowbrow.

Highbrow: Barb and I enjoyed our trip to hear the Freeman Academy choir and other Mennonite school choirs at the annual MSC choir festival in Souderton, Pa on Sunday, April 14. The Singing Bobcats did us proud. Nice work. We heard them sing in their host Church - Indian Valley Faith Fellowship - Sunday morning. The guys sang one song. The girls sang another. And together they sang a couple more songs. Very nice acoustic so it was a pleasure to listen. 

We had dinner with our good friends Bonnie and Dave Moyer of Souderton. In the afternoon we went to Souderton High School for the festival program. Host school Christopher Dock does not have a theatre big enough to accommodate the 500-voice mass choir. It was a very diverse program with the choir from each of the 15 schools singing one number. The concert culminated with the mass choir which sounded better than any mass choir I have ever heard. 

We had nice visits with director Amy Vetch Hofer and chaperone Cindy Graber. Unfortunately we missed Pam Tieszen who was with a choir member that needed hospitalization after a soccer goal fell on the side of his face. During intermission I was totally surprised when Mory Ortman came up to greet me in the hall. He was visiting in Philly over the weekend and stopped in to hear the choirs as well. That was fun. It was a great day.

Lowbrow: I have added a new destination to my list of places I'd like to visit this summer. Last year, my friend, H.A. Penner, (who faced cancer of the prostate and is now "in the clear") and I took an enjoyable trip to Boston and watched the Red Sox play in Fenway Park. Well ... after reading about a new activity introduced this year at Coca-Cola Baseball Park in Allentown, PA (60 miles from Akron), we agreed we would both like to go see a Lehigh Valley IronPigs ball game. The new fan activity — a Urinal Gaming System — was featured in an article in the local Lancaster Intelligencer daily newspaper. It was also selected to be included in the "Sign of the Apocalypse" feature in Sport Illustrated magazine.

I have to admit that while learning that I have pancreatic cancer and thinking more about my mortality, I have occasionally thought .... "well, the world is going to hell anyway ... maybe this is a good time to 'get out of here' ". Yeah, I tend to interpret many things as signs of an upcoming apocalypse. Sometimes I get negative. Ask Barb. It's a bad trait and I do try to stay positive. I really do. I am confident the human race is resilient and will "pull through" this "medieval" high information/low knowledge, barbaric Dark Age we are now experiencing.

This new gaming technology certainly qualifies as a sign of the end times. Of all the inane minor league marketing gimmicks (including "Condom Night") this has to be one of the best "worst" ideas ever. Or, maybe, the worst "best" idea ever. Not sure. Regardless, it is very important that I experience this new entertainment attraction which Coca-Cola Park touts as being the first ball park to feature a Urinal Gaming System. Like this could actually catch on and become commonplace!!! God help us all!!!

The linked article says it's "hands free". How's THAT going to work??? Seriously. Why say hands free? I have to find out. I may want to bring a splash guard. I never was any good at video games and if stream pressure/power is important here, I will need a handicap. This also may give new meaning to the video game term "joystick controller".  I hope there is no "touch screen". I don't know. Inquiring minds want to know. The more Coke you drink, the more you play. Insidious, greedy corporate America will go to any length to sell more product.

So, sometime this summer H.A. and I hope to test our "ability and knowledge" at CCP in Allentown.

That's all for now. Thank you everyone for your encouraging emails, phone calls, cards and other shared comments. I am quite surprised and very happy to be where I am, considering the prognosis of the disease. Your support helps.

A friendly number

192.4 is a good number. Still high ...  but lower than 208.7. 192.4 is the result of my most recent CA19-9 blood antigen cancer test which I am happy to report is a downward trend (see chart and graph below). This means the cancer is likely stable; still local and not metastizing (probably not a word) ... uh ... spreading.

The numbers:

Graph of numbers:

I had the blood test last Monday and followup appointment with oncologist Dr. Yee last Wednesday. I was visited for the first time by a very nice PA last week. Her name is Angelique Scicchitano (she married an Italian). She was most polite and pleasant. 

Dr. Yee said if the number had gone up he was going to order a PET scan which gives a much clearer picture of the organs than the CT scan. But, because the number went down we are not doing a PET scan now. He asked me to continue taking the oral chemo, Xeloda, but lowered the amount from 1800 mg to 1500 mg (three 500 mg pills each morning and evening) due to my hand-foot syndrome problems. 

So I'm back to riding the chemo coaster and started a new "two-weeks on—one week off" cycle today. That said, I want to add that I left the doctor's office on Wednesday on a real high. A kind of euphoria came over me knowing that I can manage my situation and live a quality life a little longer. It was most welcome news. Maybe it was partially because the PA strongly recommended I do no more housework to help my hand problems. I did not get a written doctor's order to give up all housework, but plan to do so in the future so Barb will believe me.

To follow-up on my "Have tumor. Will travel." post which unfortunately was mis-intepreted by some readers to indicate the tumor was growing/moving/traveling inside me! No. It was meant to say that I can't leave it at home when I get in a car/van/airplane/train. Sorry, I should have been more clear about that. The tumor insists on coming with me and it's bags are always packed.

My tumor and I have done some recent traveling and are planning some future trips. Two weeks ago Barb and I made at trip to Philly and had a blast! We went to the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia to hear the Philadelphia Orchestra directed by guest conductor Delta David Gier (SD Symphony music director) play in Verizon Hall. It was an 11:30 am children's program about the element of "beat" in music showcasing percussion. DDG was fantastic in presenting the music, artists and engaging young people. He is exceptional. African drummers and gyil - an African xylophone - players, The program finale was Ravel's Bolero - not a masterpiece, but a sonic delight. An incredible sample of orchestra dynamics — starting very soft and ending with a full blast of sound. I tried to get DDG's signature after the concert but there was long line of parents and kids, so no such luck. We plan to go back and see something in the Perelman Theater and, I hope, a another Philadelphia Orchestra concert this fall.

Following the concert we took a free tour of the Kimmel Center. It is a real nice place. It is two theaters under one glass arch-dome roof. The theaters have remarkable design features.

This is our tour guide inside Verizon Hall, which — go figure — has no cell service! We use Verizon and Barb tried to send a photo/text of me to our sons and had to step out into the plaza. They not only engineered the hall to have no outside sounds like traffic, subway trains and another theatre next door as well as no cell service which use of would, of course, be most inappropriate in a concert hall during a performance. The hall is finished in mahogany and each seat has a conditioned air vent built into the seat pedestal. Naturally, the organ wasn't used during the "We've Got the Beat" concert.

The exterior of Verizon Hall is sheathed in Makore wood, which was new to me. It was used because it is resistant to the sun's ultra-violet rays. It's been there 11 or 12 years and looks great.

A handout given to some architect students that toured with us. You may need to enlarge to read (command + "+" on a Mac).

Following the tour, Barb and I walked toward a street known for its fabric stores. Barb was on a mission to buy fabric for the academic gown and cap she is sewing for our doctor-son to wear at graduation ceremonies at Fresno Pacific University and any future events requiring academic regalia. We stopped and ate BBQ at Percy Street Barbecue and it was very good. Fabric Row was a hoot. Barb found almost everything she needed at a crowded little store called Maxie's Daughter filled to the ceiling with fabric. We were helped by an Italian ethnic who was most helpful. Interesting store. Interesting people. Anyway, we had a great time on S. 4th Ave in Philly. I regret not taking any photos there. We probably walked about 2.5 miles as we kept our car parked near the Kimmel Center. I managed quite well. I had a slice of pecan pie ala mode on the way back at the same BBQ joint which was a nice kick in the ass - energy boost to get me back to the van. Barb enjoyed a dark California craft beer made w/oats, which name I have forgotten.

The tumor and I look forward to other travel plans, including:

• PA MCC Relief Sale in Harrisburg tomorrow (It's pretty big)
• Driving to see cherry blossoms/memorials in DC this Sunday (forecast to be at peak)
• Hear/see/visit Freeman Academy choir and accompanying grown-ups in Harleysville/Souderton on April 14
• going to Eian Schrag/Heather Smith wedding in Boise, Idaho in June and visiting Barb's brother Mike and family and cousin Flora Skillern nee Schrag and Bill.

Three recent "escapes" I've discovered, enjoy and recommend:

1. TV servies "Foyle's War" and "Call the Midwife"(Barb's find) - both BBC productions - streaming on Netflix

2. music by The Milk Carton Kids (enjoy the videos on this website) and 3. Richard's Thompson's latest CD: Electric

I didn't intend to expound. Thanks for bearing w/my over-the-top writing. And thanks for your support and referring me to the Great Physician (Bob Hartzler's term, I like). I have no idea where I would be without it.

I suppose it's time to compose

I know. My faithful readers/followers/supporters have been journeying across a vast desert, with nothing new to see here for week after week. Finally—now—a small oasis. Or maybe it's a mirage? Ricky has posted to the blog!

Here is my official list of excuses for not posting for so long:

• lazy
• life has been routine/mundane and didn't want to bore you with my laundry stain removal methodology
• excessive screen time ... spend 7-8 hours a day in front of a computer at work and when I come home ... well, very little excitement about doing that some more
• had a spell of weird eye aches, dry eye, dizzy eyes from chemo I believe
• been pretty busy
• when returning from California in January came home to a sick cat (iMac OS X "Lion"), wouldn't boot, hard drive not well, didn't have computer for THREE DAYS - new hard drive healthy - now have Mountain Lion OS, new stuff to learn
• stupidly ruined computer keyboard this week using spray cleaner - didn't have computer for 24 HOURS - another trip to Apple Store and $49 poorer
• did taxes, wrote checks, ouch! PA has state and local income taxes. OUCH!!
• March Madness
• no interesting stories to tell ... until now

As far as my pancreatic cancer goes, I try not to notice it.
I know. That's denial. I should change the name of this blog from "Deal with the Real" to "Deal with Denial"!
It's just that for me trying to live a mostly "normal" life is much more fun than living the "cancer" life.
What would you do?
I have no discomfort or pain from the cancer. Some issues with the chemo of course.
I have not had any serious colds, flus, kidney stones, etc.
I eat very well, anything I want. Still haven't found any low-fat butter though.
I am on the "chemo coaster" since January 2. Five pills in the morning with food and five pills in the evening with food for 14 days and then one week off. I don't know why, but it feels like I am taking pills every half hour. I convinced my oncologist, Dr. Yee, to change it to two weeks chemo/two weeks off. Right now I am enjoying the middle of two weeks off. I go for blood test this Monday and appointment w/Yee on Wed., April 3 to make sure I am "chemo-ready"; set to start April 6.

My CT scan on March 4 showed the tumor has essentially not changed in size. Woo,woo! That was really good news. The blood tumor marker was up a little from 152 to 208, but Dr. Yee was not alarmed by that, saying that number will go up and down. I hope next week it is down.

I did have a sort of weird panic attack about two weeks ago. I was driving to work and all of sudden I starting thinking that I have to more pro-active, more aggressive in treating this cancer. I told Barb, I don't know what sparked it. I was just thinking that I was not doing enough. Maybe I should be doing more that riding the chemo coaster. After a heart-to-heart w/Barb we concluded that we have upmost confidence in Dr. Yee and like his level of confidence which is very professional and sensible and not boastful or over-the-top like one of Barb's doctors who thought he was a Savior. So we're staying on this train track for now.

My chemo side shows include:

• Sleeplessness, for which I have some pills that help
• Achey, dry eyes, for which I use artificial tears, but they don't seem to help much
• diarrhea, for which I take Imodium
• Hand and foot Syndrome, or  chemotherapy-induced acral erythema, for which I use Udderly SMOOTH Extra Care Cream w/Urea. My hands are very dry and the skin very smooth and dry surfaced - like a tight clear vinyl glove or snake skin. This started to show up at the end of the second cycle and got worse upon my last (third) cycle. It is painful and washing my hands often, does not help the problem. I have a crack on my thumb that is causing me problems now
• dry mouth, dry hair, dry skin, cracking finger nails - some of which I hope warmer temps and less man-made heating will help lessen, spring has be slow to bloom

What actually gave me impetus to post is that yesterday — Good Friday — our oldest son, Adam, sent us a text that "we now have a doctor in the family. Anybody need a doctor?" Yipeee! He had just finished defending his doctoral dissertation: Surface to Surface: War, Image & the Senses in the Screenic Era (not sure that was the final title) in Minneapolis. He has worked very, very hard on this ... AND NOW HAS A PHD in English from the University of Minnesota. He is currently teaching in the Communications Dept at Fresno Pacific University. We are extremely proud and I couldn't help but brag about him.

And then our youngest son, Charles, who lives in Seattle and works at the Lazarus Day Center for Catholic Community Services, told us earlier this month that he had housed his 50th client. His clients are homeless men!! The city of Seattle had given him the goal of placing 35 homeless men into housing in a year. This is fantastic! Especially considering he spent the first three months in the new position getting a computer and a phone! At his current rate, he hopes to house 75-100 homeless this year. Couldn't be more happy about that.

And then yet, more exciting news... we have learned that Adam and Annie are expecting a baby Schmidt/Schrag in September. Cool. We will become grandparents and join other boastful grandparents. Move over Patton (our grand dog)!

So ... last evening we had a profound and meaningful Good Friday service at Pilgrims Mennonite Church where we attend. It was a Tenebrae (Latin for 'darkness' or 'shadows') service with the gradual extinguishing of candles through the service as scriptures were read and songs were sung. The procession of the last candle which was taken from the meeting room to be brought back at Easter was accompanied by a 1927 recording of "Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground" played by late gospel blues singer and guitarist, Blind Willie Johnson. It was great.

But it was during the singing of "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" that I got all emotional. Between Jesus dying for me, my stalled cancer and my great family, I lost it! I couldn't sing. I grabbed my trusty hanky and wiped my nose and tried to hold back. I thought I was going to cry audibly, so I quickly looked up at the ceiling to stifle the tears and swelling joy. I am tearing up just writing about it. It was a memorable Good Friday.

Now I have another special hymn. Call me old school, but I like the text by Isaac Watts:

          When I survey the wondrous cross

          on which the Prince of Glory died;

          my richest gain I count but loss,

          and pour contempt on all my pride.

          Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,

          save in the death of Christ, my God!

          all the vain things that charm me most,

          I sacrifice them through his blood.

          See, from his head, his hands, his feet,

          sorrow and love flow mingled down!

          Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,

          or thorns compose so rich a crown.

          Were the whole realm of nature mine,

          that were an offering far too small;

          love so amazing, so divine,

          demands my soul, my life, my all.

Happy Easter everyone.