Seeking inner peace

Greetings blog followers,

I have completed my first two-week round of chemo and look forward to this coming week not having to swallow those pills. Upon further reflection I must update you to say that my dislike for taking those pills is not physical as I had intimated, but psychological. No need to send me your old ball guns to inject the pills in my gut. They went down easily with water. But it is the thought of taking pills that give you headaches, diarrhea, dizziness and possibly other undesirable stuff that is hard to "swallow".

Overall, I would say so far I am handling this chemo quite well. I have issues, but no red hand-foot syndrome, serious nausea, vomiting, etc. I just take it day by day and try to stay positive as best I can.

At our church, Pilgrims Mennonite in Akron, church small groups are asked to lead worship during the summer months. Last Sunday our small group put together the worship service. The suggested theme for the summer is peace. We decided to make "seeking inner peace" our sub theme. Barb did a super job of putting together the worship service in which each of us (we number seven) did a short "This I believe" (idea stolen from a public radio program) sharing personal reflections about inner peace. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but a light went on this week: Why not put my short personal reflection in the blog? It is after all about dealing with the real. So here it is:

This I believe …

by Rick Schrag for Pilgrims Mennonite Church worship 6/18/12

When you learn that you have a mass on your pancreas, like I did last November, it stirs up and threatens any inner peace you may have had at the time… at least for a while. Fear, stress and anger take over. Gradually I started coping with my situation. I almost felt forced to slowly adapt to my new prognosis. Now, seven months later, I feel like I have a good portion of inner peace, although it has taken a different form that is difficult to explain. Whatever inner peace I had before was strong enough to survive that jolting news. But it didn’t survive and transform because of just me, but because of external sources. Because of you and many others out there who have given me countless prayers and tremendous encouragement.

When I started trying to put some thoughts together I wondered … what is inner peace? I had MY idea of what it means for me. Is it different things for different people? I think so.

The 14^th Dalai Lama emphasized the importance of inner peace: He said: “The question of real, lasting world peace concerns human beings, so basic human feelings are also at its roots. Through inner peace, genuine world peace can be achieved. In this the importance of individual responsibility is quite clear; an atmosphere of peace must first be created within ourselves, then gradually expanded to include our families, our communities, and ultimately the whole planet.”

But he was a Buddhist. This and Hinduism are where transcendentalism and meditation come in. What is a Christian concept of inner peace?

For the Amish it’s called gellasenheit — that’s a German word meaning yieldedness, letting be, tranquility, serenity. This concept comes from the Bible in Luke 22:42, when Jesus said, "not my will but thine be done," thereby making individuality, selfishness, and pride, abhorrent.

I think for me inner peace falls somewhere between these two concepts. While I probably mostly identify with gellasenheit and its tenet of submitting to God and developing a modest, reserved, calm and quiet personality, I can also understand meditation. Lately I’ve found a profound inner peace comes over me when watching a baseball game. For me it’s meditation. It’s good we don’t live in India where cricket is the national sport. Barb would lose me for entire days instead of just a couple of hours if I were a cricket fan!

Don’t be misled; I still have a full share of anxiety and “inner turmoil”. When thoughts turn to your mortality and predicted numbered days, it causes some sleeplessness and restlessness. I’m finding that when I should be thinking about the positives in my life, I keep stumbling back reflecting on the unfulfilled dreams, the regrets, you know, those “shoulda”, “coulda”, “woulda” issues. Then there is the question “What is my legacy?” Can I quickly do something that will get a bridge or building named after me?!  I feel guilty that I don’t have the compulsion to go out and get things done, do something extra special. You know - some grandiose idea that will leave a mark in the world. I can relate to the feeling expressed by Palmer Graber of Freeman, SD, who, while living with brain cancer circa 1980, said: “Sometimes I think I am too much at peace with myself.”

There are lots of questions, but no easy answers. I just try to keep on living, taking things as they come. It is a step-by-step process. There are things worse than cancer and I’ve learned that facing death doesn’t need to be a time of total despair. There are times for rejoicing and blessing. I am glad to be able to keep working. It gives me inner peace.  I was happy with my “bucket list” before cancer. It hasn’t changed since learning that my train will likely stop at the station earlier than I previously thought. I haven’t added anything new or big.

One of those bucket list items has been to see a baseball game in Fenway Park in Boston. Opened in 1912, it’s the oldest major league ballpark still in use and one of only a few that isn’t named after a bank, cell phone co. or other business. I plan to realize that dream in a few weeks on July 7 when the Yankees visit the Red Sox. I have tickets behind home plate and plan to be in deep meditation during that game.

This could be a cure for pancreatic cancer ....

When learning you have pancreatic cancer you soon discover there are a wide variety of ideas for effective treatment out there and loving suggestions offered. Some are traditional (insurance pays) and there have been numerous non-traditional (self pay) treatments mentioned. These include everything from thermotherapy (exposure to far infrared rays) to coffee enemas (I haven't been successful in finding a partner or assistant for this??).


Until now, I have taken the "conventional" treatment path, but am very excited to announce that I am thinking about starting a new non-traditional treatment — sticky buns. That's right. Sticky buns. But not just any sticky buns. Oh no, they must be Mr. Sticky homemade sticky buns. The dosage is one Mr. Sticky's sticky bun a day. Who knows? It could cure my cancer. And if it doesn't ... so what? ... what do I have to lose? 


No matter what image you may conjure up of Mr. Sticky, I must profess his homemade sticky buns are to "die for" (sorry for the indelicate double-entendre). As the ad says, they are "extremely addictive". I know what I'll do ..... I'll start my own cancer clinical trial with sticky buns as the potential elixir. What a grand idea! A new, never-done-before clinical trial to treat cancer.

This Mr. Sticky's ad has been running in the Lancaster Intelligencer Journal/New Era in recent weeks. Notice that they are cheaper by the dozen. I highly recommend them whether you have cancer or not.

They ship FedEx.

The other more conventional cancer treatment I started last Friday is a new chemo regimen. For seven days now I have been swallowing five pills in the morning and five in the evening (pictured with a quarter below). The drug is Xeloda and after one week I am starting to feel some side effects - most notable are a mild headache and dizziness. After two weeks I can expect other side effects. It's a long depressing list. I accept your well wishes and prayers for minimal side effects AND effective tumor reduction or at least growth stoppage.

The five Xeloda pills I have to take twice a day. At first I thought I would like Barb to give them to me with a balling gun like we used on young calves on the farm, but I haven't had too much trouble gulping them down with water. I'm sure I have thoroughly bored you readers with this insight into chemo pills, but it's what I'm doing and inquiring minds want to know. Thanks for reading and sharing your love.

A+A=Awesome^10,000 ... Target Field ... Fish Fry ... Fresh Strawberries...

To my faithful readers,


Thank you for your patience. Your not-so-faithful blogger has been busy enjoying life. The blog title says it all: Life is bliss. I don't think it can get any better than this.


The "A+A" refers to Adam and Annie, whose wedding we experienced in Minneapolis last Saturday. Words can not express how happy we are for this young couple. We could hardly wait for them to get married! We are elated to "officially" have a wonderful daughter who is first-class. I was trying to do a math formula with the A+A theme but can't figure out how to type superscript in the heading. So instead I have used a "^" to indicate "to the power of".


It was a beautiful wedding. Everything went smoothly. While the bride and groom and their parents took turns getting choked up and crying with joy, it didn't interfere with the ceremony. The official wedding pics aren't ready for a few weeks and I took only a few. I have never experienced a wedding photographer like Ben Garvin and his friendly high-speed digital style. I didn't have my little point and shoot camera out of its pouch before he had five of the formal poses shot!!! I was really caught off guard.

 Rehearsal. Annie and Adam. Kevin Steinman on guitar. Celebrant Aaron Christopher.

Adam and Annie with their brothers. The two men in vests - Charles Schrag and John LaGow - served as Best Man and Man of Honor. There were no other attendants.

The beautiful and proud mother of the groom - Barb.

Family pic using instant film camera. (I scanned the picture.) All guests had their picture taken with the instant camera as way to "register" along with a short note to the new couple.

Target Field. Definitely one of the nicest major league ballparks in the country. Walking into it is the greatest entry into a ballpark ever. The street sidewalk just takes you right into the ball park. I think I missed the whole first inning because I was gawking at the beautiful stadium and skyline. And what a stark difference from the horrible, blah Metrodome. This is one HUGE step up. It was a beautiful cool, sunny afternoon Twins vs. Oakland day. The Twins struggling pitcher, Francisco Liriano, pitched a shutout gem and the Twins had a rare win. A day game at Target Field should be on everyone's bucket list.

Joe Mauer at bat. The iPhone makes the players look farther away (smaller) than reality.

Dang good seats I'd say.

Charles, Adam and I enjoying the game w/o suntan lotion. Hence the shirts and turned up collars.

Fish Fry. Barb's family brought fresh-caught walleye and even a bullhead (which I was honored to eat) to the city for a post-wedding fish fry on Sunday. Jeff fixed a delicious breading and using the grill at the hotel pool he deep-fried the fish and heaped the golden fillets on a paper towel laden plate. We had leftover wild rice, spaetzle/herbs and asparagus/greens salads, roasted veggies, and cakes from the wedding to go with the succulent fish. While the wedding dinner was truly amazing, the fish fry was a memorable follow-up meal. Sorry, no pictures.


Fresh Strawberries. The season is peaking now. How sweet it is!


Cancerwise, I have been feeling just great. Today I had an appointment and was found to be fit to start taking another round of chemo. This time it's pills - Xelodal® - instead of IV infusion. I really dread this. Plans are for three 3-week treatment cycles (two weeks on, one week off). I won't have an MRI taken until the third round is completed in August, my doc said. My prayer is that side effects are minimal and I can stay well enough to keep going to work and enjoying life as I have been able to this past month.


It was difficult and sad to say goodbye to everyone in Minneapolis, not knowing when we will see each other again. Also, goodbye to Minneapolis. You have been our hub or base camp, you might say, for the past few years during family and lake visits. It's been a great place to fly in, borrow Adam's Mazda and motor to and from northern Minnesota and SE South Dakota and then fly out. Adam and Annie will be moving to Fresno, California in July. Adam will be teaching at Fresno Pacific University and Annie plans to land a job as well. Goodbye, Minneapolis. Goodbye, everyone at the wedding. It was great to be together.

Lost Forty

Hello friends and neighbors from hot and muggy Pennsylvania. It's time to put some soda crackers in the sugar jar. Whew! Summer's here for real. And I haven't installed the window shaker (a/c) yet, to help me "deal" with the real.

I continue to feel great however. Especially when I consider how I felt earlier. Not taking chemo does have some benefits. Of course I may be taking some months off my life. I continue to consider if, when, and/or how this pancreatic cancer will start to take over or spread. Where will it show up? Maybe it has, but I don't know it. I don't get another MRI until early July. Regardless, I'm going to enjoy this time and our big upcoming wedding event next Saturday when Annie and Adam get hitched and we officially welcome a daughter into the family.

Last August, while visiting in Minnesota, our family took a road trip from Bemidji to visit the Lost Forty in the Chippewa National Forest near Blackduck, Minn. The Lost Forty is about 144 acres of fantastic old trees up to 350 years old that were spared from logging crews after some weary surveyors who were marking out townships mistakenly made an error plotting a lake where there was a forest. It's a very interesting place to visit and had a nice walking path.

While there I  decided to purchase a tee shirt with "Lost 40" on it. This is not my normal style... to have a tee shirt with words or advertising. I am not sure what sort of compulsive thing took over me, but anyway I purchased this shirt which was too small for me at the time. I am modeling it below in a picture taken today. You can see it fits me fine now.

I often wonder what people think when they see these words on my shirt. Lost Forty WHAT?

Today I told Barb it can represent several things at the same time:

1. The area of mature forest in northern Minnesota it was originally intended to promote, or
2. The amount of weight, in pounds, I've lost since getting pancreatic cancer, or
3. The points shaved off my IQ due to chemo brain — another insidious side affect of chemotherapy.

That's all for now. Thanks again everyone for your ongoing prayers and thoughtfulness shown to Barb and me and the rest of our family as we continue to live (key word - live) with this uninvited guest.

A chemo reprieve

I am overdue to check in here. I just haven't had much to write about I guess. I've been feeling pretty good and put in a full week at work with no doctor or lab trips to PennState Hershey.

My latest cancer news is that I asked my oncologist if I could delay starting the new chemo pills, scheduled to start yesterday, until AFTER son Adam and Annie's wedding June 2 in Minneapolis. He said "That's fine. Come see me June 8." Hooray! I like this plan. I was very nervous that possible ill side effects from this new chemo — capecitabine (brand name Xeloda®) — could result in a miserable wedding time for me and then the family and then the guests ... and that would be no fun at all!

The chemo pills arrived FedEx last Friday. They were shipped from a specialty pharmacy in Omaha, NE, that my insurance company, UnitedHealthcare, selected. There was no invoice in the box so I don't know the cost, but intend to find out. Fortunately insurance paid all but $12 of the bill. Stay tuned I'll report my findings.

In my last post I mis-wrote that I would be taking "a" pill twice a day. Boy, did I have that wrong! My prescription directive is to take FIVE pills twice a day with food. And these are big pills! Yuk!!! Almost makes venous infusion therapy more appealing. We'll see how it goes.

This afternoon I joined other singers from our church to practice and sing at a memorial service for Naomi Lehman, 89, who passed away May 6. In recent months I've noticed that my voice is getting weaker. When I take phone calls in the office I seem to have difficulty getting strength behind my voice. Barb has noticed this as well. I've been singing bass mostly since moving to PA, but today I couldn't hit low notes with any authority whatsoever. I've had two endoscopies where they put stuff down my throat, but I can't say this weakness was remarkable after the procedures. I have no explanation for this, but add it to my list of cancer-related physical changes:

- Losing 40 lbs.
- Accelerated hair thinning
- Digestive issues
- Declining stamina
- Swollen ankles
- Fatigue, headaches, dizziness
- Diminished voice strength

When I read blogs written by others battling this "Emperor of all Maladies", it puts my situation in perspective. I'm doing quite well compared to many others and feel fortunate in many ways. I appreciate all your prayers for healing, comfort and peace that you say for me and the many others who are in sadder shape than I am. Thank you.

A change in treatment

My second chemo infusion of Gemzar was last Friday. Today I am still feeling its effects with a headache that doesn't respond to pain killer and swelling and pain around my ankles. My blood test showed that Gemzar attacks my bone marrow a little too hard as my platelet and neurtophil (infant white blood cells) counts are too low to continue with Gemzer. In fact, Saturday, I made another trip to Hershey to get a shot to stimulate white cell development. My oncologist, Dr. Yee,  is proposing that I stop getting Gemzar and start taking a different chemo orally — capecitabine (brand name is Xeloda®) — in two weeks.

I plan to administer this chemo to myself, two pills a day, for fourteen days; then one week off. The pills will be sent to me in the mail after getting insurance approval (part of the reason of the two week wait before starting). It appears this chemo can have just as many side effects, only they're different!! While it is not as aggressive on my bone marrow and its function I could end up with hand-foot syndrome which is painful inflamed blistering red hands and feet! I hope I can dodge that one. Hair loss is more likely. But of course, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting are also near the top of the list of side effects. Arrggh!!. I am tired of trips to the bathroom.

Thanks again to everyone for your continuous thoughtfulness and prayers for Barb and me as we take this unexpected, unplanned journey.

On the normal side of life, (the lighter, fun side that I much prefer over the cancer side) this was a great weekend to feast on band music! Three colleges held college wind ensemble or symphonic band concerts in the area. I love listening to college band concerts so I had some ear candy. This was food for my spirit. Here was the schedule:

Friday night: Millersville University played at the Ware Center in Lancaster. Check.
Sunday afternoon: Elizabethtown College wind ensemble concert on campus in Elizabethtown. Check.
Sunday evening: Messiah College had a concert in Grantham. I didn't make it to this one. Too tired.

Taking a video with my iPhone is an insult to the band, videography and sound recording, but I did it anyway because I saw many young people in the audience doing it. Why? I don't know. I did it to show the Millersville Wind Ensemble in Steinman auditorium in the Ware Center. But I'm having technical difficulty uploading the video. I will try to get it here later.

This is the E'town College band in its overly purple Leffler Chapel.

Symphonic band music is very exciting to listen to live. Wind ensembles with all the percussion have a sonorous quality that is very dynamic. (No disrespect to string players here. Orchestras have the same dynamics.) And the repertoire of interesting modern band music is huge... and amazing. There is a lot of great band music out there.

I've also been listening to audiophile recordings of Jerry Junkin conducting the Dallas Wind Symphony playing Percy Grainger, Malcom Arnold and Ron Nelson pieces. What fun.

My interest in band music started when I was in grade school and we had a 10-inch LP record titled "Here Comes the Band". I played it over and over on our Magnavox phonograph record player. It had mostly marches and, as I recall, I fell in love with the majorette gracing the album cover as well.

I'd like to buy another vowel (doctor)...

     Yesterday (Friday) I had the first chemo infusion of my second round of chemo. I don't have a port installed so I get the juice via an IV. The treatment takes about one hour to complete. I'm getting the same juice as I had in Jan. and Feb. — Gemzar (or gemcitabine). However, this time I will not be getting any radiation so I should learn how much of my earlier nausea was a result of chemo or radiation. My sense is that radiation added significantly and am hoping for feeling less ill during the upcoming weeks.
     Today is Saturday and I worked all day at my dental billing job for eight hours and felt fine all day. Now, tonight, I started to feel a little woozy so I took a pill. It's too early in the treatment to draw any conclusions. I am scheduled to have chemo every Friday for three consecutive weeks and then have one week off and do that for three cycles (nine infusions over 12 weeks).
     This is called maintenance chemo and will hopefully continue keeping the cancer from turning aggressive and spreading.
     I want all my readers to get a better understanding of what chemo is all about. So here is a YouTube video that a good friend introduced me to that I found to be most entertaining, although it will definitely be best understood and appreciated by anyone who has had chemotherapy. The rest of you may find it just plain silly, but hopefully not objectionable.
     Also, please allow me to introduce you to my array of Asian doctors (and their ethnicity)
            Primary care physician: Dr. Peter Oh (Korean)
            Oncologist: Dr. Nelson Yee (Hong Kong)
            Ophthalmologist: Dr. Wenxin Wéi (Chinese), pronounced "we"

     "Oh Yee of little faith. Wei shall overcome cancer some day."

     I am not looking to add to my collection of physicians, but if I did, I would like another, but different, vowel. Maybe Dr. Yú??